The other day he exploded. No harm came of it, except to him. It's a behavior we've known from childhood though it's only with time we came to understand how closely tied it is to his anxiety.
It happened during an ice hockey game. We play together at local pickup games. He's a good mid-level adult hockey player, a step above me and our usual pickup skaters, but he's not a fitness guy. He gets tired towards the end of a game and, unlike a neurotypical player, he doesn't push himself. He just takes it easy. (This logical but socially wrong behavior isn't unique to #1.) This can irritate teammates who expect him to perform well.
In this case a teammate made a mildly inappropriate (for this kind of hockey) criticism of #1s lackadaisical play. Once upon a time I'd have made a similar comment, but I've learned it doesn't work. What works is to praise the things he does well. (This simple principle took me forever to learn and apply.)
I get those kinds of comments myself from better players sometime -- but I enjoy them. It means I can guilt my critic into being a reluctant game-long coach. (Sadly this only works once, they don't really want to coach.) Or, if it's late in the game, I'll laugh and say "yeah, I suck".
That's advanced stuff. In this case #1 was tired. He exploded with a red faced rant and various scary seeming threats. I was nearby though, so I sat between him and his critic and explained to the poor guy that my son was a special needs adult and that I'd sort things out. #1 hates to hear himself described that way (you would too) but the moment passed for everyone but my son. For him these things endure.
I've learned not to criticize these behaviors -- for him it's all about extinction-reinforcement. I was able to walk him through how I'd have handled the comment. It wasn't over though. He's been kind of wreck since. He's complaining of a variety of physical symptoms consistent with somatization (or some horrible disease that we'll feel very bad about -- my wife and I are both physicians). It's hard to understand his internal reasoning but his behavior is consistent with shame, guilt, and a deep fear of exploding again. His usual response to an episode like this is to replay it for years and avoid the setting. I don't know if he'll continue to do the pickup hockey. For now we're managing what we think is somatization (and not, say, some post-COVID neuropathy or lymphoma [1] or whatever) and working on resetting him.
Not a good day, but also not avoidable. But it could have gone much worse. It does go much worse. A lot of men with limited cognitive or emotional control can melt down like this. If police are involved and aren't at the top of their game it can escalate very badly. Even if police aren't involved it can turn into a physical fight with all of the problems that come from that. Most special needs adults, and most men, don't have a 60+ neurotypical father to sit between them and the guy they are excessively angry with.
It's a hard world out there. If you're one of the lucky guys with good emotional control and understanding it might help to know how this goes. If you're a cop -- I hope you're getting the autism/special needs training now being introduced into high performing police forces.
- fn -
[1] That's physician humor. Any symptom can always be early lymphoma.
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