Magical thinking

Many people have superstitions of one kind or another. Our #1 has more than a few, and they contribute to his disabilities. For example, he bicycles miles out of his way to take certain favored routes for no reason he can describe.

He’s had these problems all his life. The only thing I can compare them too is a beloved dog of ours who developed an intractable aversion to the back yard of a new home. Nothing, absolutely nothing, would persuade her to put her paws on the unfrozen ground there. We have no idea where this came from, but it never wavered over the last seven years of her life.

It may be some dysfunctional associative learning — perhaps something unpleasant happened to #1 once and he forever associates it with a similar smell or shape or form. The rest of us can form these associations and dispense with them, but that process doesn’t work for him. This learning/memory dysfunction probably overlaps with some of the problematic compulsions we work on.

Sometimes we can find a workaround for the most troublesome aversions. One of these is a powerful aversion to any kind of bicycle adornment — including a saddle, frame, handlebar bag, a rack, or a lock. He’ll use the pockets of his bike shirt but that’s it. After some failed behavior change efforts we realized this fell into his “magical thinking” domain — reasoning is futile.

This is a safety problem because he rides his bicycle around and even beyond the metro area — thanks to our superb segregated bicycle paths.  Mobile phone technologies including Apple’s “Find Friends” mitigate some of the risk, but what if his phone fails? We need him to carry identification, emergency numbers, a multi-tool, a baggie to protect his iPhone in case of rain, coins for a rare payphone if one can ever be found and, ideally, auxiliary power for this phone. He’s not willing to put everything we want him to carry in his bike shirt.

We found a fix. He’s willing to carry these things in a bicycle bottle shaped container that’s stored in a typical frame mount bottle carrier. We put them in once and they stay there. One magical thinking problem solved.

There are a lot more of course. A direct assault rarely works. It’s all about finding these kinds of indirect solutions. We can’t always come up with them...

Techniques for negotiation with people on the autism spectrum

Negotiation is a big part of parenting any child, but the toolkit varies.

We’ve used “Three Steps to Yes” (persuasion for geeks), Kazdin’s extinction/reinforcement, Greenes Explosive Child (above all) and more for working with #1. It’s made him a skilled negotiator, which isn’t a bad skill to have. For #3, so far, standard parenting tools suffice.

#2 is different — he’s classic Asperger [1]. He needs a different set of negotiating techniques — such as the set outlined in a recent NYT essay on Hostage Hoiidays. Another addition to the toolkit - I particularly liked the obviously-fake-but-genuinely-effortful apology, the focus on vocal inflection, the techniques of partitioning/minimizing and “Track II” / 3rd party interventions.

Special needs parenting is very educational.

[1] We have no useful terms for taking about these complex neurological disorders, but he resembles the original stories. Remarkably he was classically autistic as a young child, once upon a time we weren’t supposed to revise that early label. Lots of nonsense in our dying classifications…

See also

• Understanding an unusual mind 5/2010
• Persuasion, adolescence, and the joys of prison life 4/2010
• Reading about autism and ADHD - our personal favorites 11/2007 (Explosive Child)
• Training exotic animals, husbands and difficult children 6/2006
• Gordon’s Notes: Negotiation 2014: A compilation of state of the art techniques 11/2014

Adolescent special needs: Sometimes Judo works

#1 was on track to give up on mainstream hockey halfway through the season. I'd been using carrot and (proverbial) stick but he was dug in and sullen. It looked like he was going to lose one of his best growth and happiness sources, that he was going to drop out of hockey just as he'd dropped out of baseball last summer.

I was frustrated, but I could see I wasn't going to win. Better to lose this battle than to lose our relationship.

So when he challenged me to bribe him to finish the season I pulled a Judo move. I stepped back.

I sat down with him at a time I chose -- when he was at his best. I said that now that he was almost an adult, he really had to make his own decisions. I told him I thought he'd gain a lot from continuing and that it would make me happy, but it was his decision. There'd be no prize or reward for finishing the season -- just his usual post-hockey chips or soda. There would be no punishment for dropping out ...

Well ... I cheated a bit on the last. I didn't want him substituting iPhone-zombie-time for his hockey. So there'd be no computer/iPhone use during times he would have been at hockey. He could read or do other activities [1].

Of course, as you can guess from the post title, it worked. At first he was uncertain, but one night we walked through the season schedule. He picked one late night practice he'd skip and one he'd miss due to a High School sports conflict. (He ended up missing only one practice when I was out of town and we couldn't bring him.) After that review he was relaxed and enthusiastic.

I don't know if it was my talk that worked, or the support of his coaches who also had Special Hockey experience, or if a girl he liked said something nice about his hockey. At his age I'm only one of a lot of influences, and probably not the biggest one.

I was surprised that he did so well; I don't think this would have worked in the past. His mind is developing -- he's starting to have more of a sense of time and of future events, and he's starting to work with abstractions like "promises" and "obligations" and "duty" and "honesty". He never used to respond to 'negative' feedback [2], but now he seems to consider consequences a wee bit beyond the immediate.

I don't want to overstate the changes. A bird in the hand is still worth a thousand in the bush. There is progress though, and reason to celebrate another victory. [3].

- fn -

[1] We have very limited household television access.
[2] Hence our heavy use of positive incentives and extinction rather than the balanced approaches that work for most children. We have a neurotypical daughter, and she essentially raised herself with a minuscule parental contribution. Our #2 is at the Asperger's end of the spectrum but is super-sensitive to feedback. #1 is different. Yes, we snort milk out our noses when we read conventional parenting books. 
[3] Our philosophy is to celebrate victory often. So every time we can plausibly declare victory, we do. There should be a name for this philosophy; it results in a lifelong string of repeated victories until the game is called.

See also 

• Reading about autism and ADHD - our personal favorites 11/2007
• Changing behavior in children: Kazdin for most and what we do now 4/2008
• Net world and guiding the special needs adolescent - tricky business 3/2013
• Special needs adolescence: separating compulsion from poor choices 8/2012
• Special needs adolescence: enter the unknown country. 8/2012

Persuasion, adolescence, and the joys of prison life

Low IQ special needs adolescence does not come as a "thief in the night". It comes as a ton of bricks.

Behavioral management, which was never terribly effective, has become even less effective. We may still have a "paradoxical permission" effect, whereby when we give permission for an annoying behavior it becomes less attractive. I'm not sure we have even that however.

Medications are still available, but of course side-effects may be less tolerated.

Which is why I'm turning, with a measure of desperation, to my favorite sales book: Three Steps to Yes: The Gentle Art of Getting Your Way by Gene Bidell. I hope I can use some of Bidell's techniques to change my son's choices.

Bidell emphasizes understanding your Prospect's recognized and unrecognized needs and aversions, then figuring ways to meet them to get the sale. The Prospect "needs to win", for example, so find a way they can win and you can lose -- while still getting the Sale.

Understanding my son's world is a real challenge. He combines the limited knowledge of an early teen with a limited capability to understand and assimilate new knowledge.

I think, for example, that I erred by describing prison as the outcome of particularly poor choices. In my son's mind, I now realize, prison means no school, association with the police and K9 dogs he loves, comforting concrete instead of disturbing nature, agreeable routines, few challenges, plain meals, lots of television, regular exercise, no frightening choices, no concerns about employment, and congenial like minded peers.

In his mind, prison is not a bad thing, it's a bit heavenly. The worst bit is that in some ways he's quite right. He might actually find a well run low security prison more congenial than the alternatives.

So I need to persuade him that there are better options than prison (even if I'm not entirely sure there are - but that's a different story). Juvenile detention, for example, does include math class. It doesn't provide much police contact, and there are no K9 dogs. Most of all, there are no girls and his companions may not be very friendly.

At the same time I need to come up with a better future alternative for him to work towards - and I need to come up with it very quickly.

Any ideas?

Update: In our community the local police are happy to enter a special needs person into their database with a special "tag" including disability and contact information.

Update 6/26/2010: UK study on low IQ prison population.